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(To the billiards room)

 (To the study)

 (To the dining room)

(To the foyer)

WRITING

Writing

(Selected)

Email me for sketches and a half-hour spec pilot

Watch my 7-min stand-up set!

I contribute regularly to American Voices, the Onion's long-running man-on-the-street opinion section.

I am a writer for Gorgeous Stank at UCB's Maude Night, a monthly sketch show performed by the theater's house sketch comedy teams. 

This Bar's Not Normally Like This

Do We Need to Take This Outside?

Our City's New Initiative Will End Homelessness by Calling It Something Else

Grab a Quick Lunch at our Fast-Casual Slop Trough

My Remote Job Gives Me the Freedom to Displace People All Over the World 

Our Company is Committed to Going 100% Carbon-Free by the Year 3000

I’m Tired of the Gay Penguins at the Zoo Performing Their Queerness for a Straight Audience

Woman Can’t Figure Out Why Plant Which Evolved to Live in Borneo Rainforest Keeps Dying in Her Studio Apartment

I LIVED IT: I Had a Faux-Marble Laptop Case

How to Get Into Embroidery When You’re Traumatized by That Scene From Coraline Where They Sew the Kids' Mouth Shut

Why It's Time We Start Taxing Women Who Have It All

Click Here to Opt Out of Selling Your Data to the Hovering Orb

I Refuse to Consider Myself a Choking Victim

Last Night I Dreamt All People Join Hands in Peace with My Old Gym Teacher

(Selected Articles)

Politics

California Prison System Offering Incredible Unpaid Firefighting Internship

Russian Nonprofit Helps Young Girls In STEM Learn To Commit Cyberterrorism

In Decisive Win For LGBTQ+ Community, The Unabomber Was Not Gay

FDA Approves First Vaccine Made Of Shrunk-Down Middle School Science Class

“It’s Time To Return To Normalcy,” Threatens Biden

Non-Politics

Hunter Gives Off Major Gatherer Vibes

Word Search On Cereal Box Easy As Fuck

Beatles Song Really Stressing That She A Little Girl

Shitty Bible Guy Barely Begat Any Offspring

Lab Rat Does It For The Love Of The Maze

Drinking Alone Rebranded As Learning Mixology

Gay Man’s Playful Misogyny Mostly Just Misogyny

Man At Petting Zoo Worried Goat Only Likes Him For His Pellets

YouTube Algorithm Radicalizing Woman Into Militant Yarn Hobbyist

Late Bear Overhibernated

Opinion

Now Is The Time For Us All To Come Together And Pull My Car Out Of This Sinkhole

POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust  
COUNTERPOINT: Okay But Like, What Are We Relationship-Wise 

Vote. This Is The Most Important Election Of A Lifetime
        by Pam Green, Organizer Of The Woodbury County Giant Pumpkin Contest

People Can’t See Through Corn. Here’s Why That’s A Problem.
        by A Vox Journalist Lost In A Maze

POINT: A Renewed Interest In Pseudoscience Is Dangerously Eroding Shared Notions Of Truth
COUNTERPOINT: You’re Such A Virgo!

The Nation Must Prioritize The Opening Of Indoor Trampoline Parks
        by The Kid You Babysit

*Featured in the textbook, How Writing Works: A Guide to Composing Genre 

This Guilt-Free Frozen Yogurt Won’t Remind You Of What You Did On That Moonlit Night In The Woods

Raccoon Nutritionists Recommend Daily Serving Of Banana Peel From Dumpster

Ahoy, Gentlemen O’ Fortune! Try This Here One Simple Trick Fer Eliminatin’ Scurvy

Stressed Out Goddess Just Working On Being Omnipresent

Resilient Tesla Survives Crash With Pedestrian

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)
         (Written with Eli Kaplan)
 

Pick any book you like. Don't bend the spines.

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