The Onion
(To the billiards room) (To the study) (To the atrium) (To the dining room) (To the foyer)
I've been an Onion contributor since 2022, and was a Writing Fellow from June to December 2025.
I've written more headlines, articles, video scripts, jokes, quotes, and ads than I can count. And I'm pretty good at math.
Check out some of my favorites!
Headlines
Articles
The Onion has a unique writing process where headlines are often written out by other members of staff.
Here are a few of my favorite articles I've written out:
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Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot
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DHS To Offer $1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self Destruct
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Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’
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Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer
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White House Doctor: ‘Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President’
- Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Breakroom Refrigerator
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Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
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Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse
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Average 19th Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats
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Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement
